How Do I Get My 3 Year Old to Sleep In Their Own Bed?
Many parents of 3 year olds are presented with this question! Whether your 3 year old just keeps popping out of bed all night, or they want to come into your bed, or you are trying to move them away from sleeping in your bedroom or co-sleeping, it is possible to get your little one on board with sleeping in their own bed at bedtime and all throughout the night. It takes consistency with parental support and teaching, but it can be done, and with some of these tips you will soon have a confident, superstar sleeper!
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To turn your stubborn toddler into a cooperative, confident solo sleeper, here’s what you will want to focus on:
Consistent, predictable, and soothing bedtime routine
Visual supports at bedtime
Social/Emotional supports built into your bedtime routine
Ensuring your child’s nervous system is regulated at bedtime
Practicing and modeling during the daytime what should happen at bedtime
Selecting a plan for consistently and lovingly responding to your child at bedtime and throughout the night to encourage independently falling asleep.
Bedtime Routine
The bedtime routine is a set of steps that help your child relax and unwind for sleep and provide some final connection time with you before separating for the evening. The routine you create for your toddler should be the same every night so that it is predictable (toddlers truly THRIVE off of routine and predictability). Expect to spend 20-30 minutes with your toddler on the entire bedtime routine.
I suggest including the following activities:
Potty (if potty trained)
Brush teeth
Pajamas
Deep breaths
Stories
Song
Bedtime prayer/poem (optional)
Last drink of water
Sound machine on, lights out
Hugs and kisses, say goodnight
Visual Supports
Using visuals is an evidence-based support that increases understanding of the task, gives your child ownership and increases their sense of agency, and reduces anxiety about transitions.
Free Visual Bedtime Routine Resource for Toddlers!
You can download your copy of the visual bedtime routine using the form below!
Another great visual support is an Okay to Wake Clock. This is a great tool that can be used as a visual support to help your child know when it is time to stay in bed and when it is time to get up! I love the Hatch for its versatility and the capability to program it from an app on your phone. The light is red when its time to stay in bed, and turns green when it is okay to get up in the morning. My other favorite is Little Hippo Mella. It is adorable and easy to use. Mella goes to sleep with your child at the programmed time and wakes up in morning at the preset time.
Social/Emotional Supports
At this age, toddlers commonly have fears of the dark, monsters, something scary they saw on TV, or other scary image they have conjured up in their imagination. It is important to reassure your child that these things are not real. “They are not real, they are pretend, and you will never ever see a monster!” Do not check for monsters, spray for monsters, fight monsters, or any similar actions. These actions convey to your child that monsters (or whatever they’re afraid of) are indeed real.
If your child is afraid of the dark, you can provide a dim amber or red nightlight as these colors of light do not interfere with circadian rhythm or melatonin production.
Support your child emotionally by giving time and space to talk about their fears and worries. Ask them what they are afraid of and why. Validate that feeling scared is a normal emotion (“It is okay to feel scared, everyone feels afraid sometimes”), but then reassure that they are safe (“These things are just in your imagination, and really you are so safe in your comfy bed!”).
Positive affirmations that provide feelings of love and safety at bedtime can help fears dissipate quickly. Try “I am safe, I am loved. I am safe, I am loved.”
Deep breathing techniques help calm the nervous system. Intentional breathing provides the brain with something to focus on (breathing) instead of the worries or fears swirling around in your child’s mind.
Nervous System/Sensory Regulation
If your child’s nervous system/sensory system are dysregulated, bedtime and sleeping through the night may be more difficult.
Here are my favorite activities to do right before the bedtime routine begins that typically provide regulating, proprioceptive sensory input for most children:
Jumping and Crashing--Jump on a couch, bed, or mini trampoline. Jump from a couch onto a safe crash pad of pillows. Do “frog jumps” across the room.
Bouncing--Hold your child and bounce him up and down on a therapy ball, or let your child bounce around on a hopper-ball for kids.
Heavy Work--Carry a heavy item (not too heavy!) from one place to another, push something heavy, do wall push-ups. “Crab-walk” across the room.
Throwing--Throw objects like blocks or beanbags into a bucket, throw balls into a hoop, throw rocks into a pond or child pool, play catch with a weighted stuffed animal.
Housework--Moving clothes in and out of the washing machine or dryer, taking out the trash, wiping windows or table tops.
Walking--Try having your child walk up a hill, on uneven ground, or on outdoor surfaces with bare feet.
Daytime Practice
Once you explicitly teach your expectation that your toddler sleep in their bed all night, they will need some practice and support with how to reach this goal. So during the daytime, do some role play sessions. Show your child what it looks like to lay in their bed calmly and show and explain what they CAN do while laying there—”I can lay my head on my pillow, I can pull the blanket up, I snuggle my stuffy, I can sing a quiet song to myself, I can tell a little story to my bear, I can take deep breaths, I can think about my great day, I can close my eyes and wait for sleep to come.” Acting this out models for your toddler what they need to do when it is bedtime. Then, let your child have a turn to practice. You can even ask to have their favorite stuffed animal or doll act it out.
Make a Plan
When your child gets up or cries for you at bedtime or during the night, you’ll want a consistent plan for responding. There are two sleep training methods that I typically recommend that are appropriate for responding in a loving and responsive way while also encouraging independence and upholding your boundary about where and how sleep happens at night.
Method 1: Walk-Backs. Walk your child back to bed as many times as it takes for him or her to stay there. If he or she is crying to your from bed, do a brief but loving check in at the door and remind your child that it is time for bed now.
Method 2: The Chair Method. You’ll sit in a chair near your child’s bed as they fall asleep at bedtime and during any night wakings. Each night or two, you move the chair a bit further from the bed until eventually you’re out of the room.
Get Support
If your toddler is not sleeping through the night independently with these tips, you may want to consider getting in-depth, customized support from a sleep consultant who excels in toddler sleep. Summit Slumber has a 2 week program “I Can Do Bedtime” for toddlers that includes communication supports and scripts, visuals for teaching, mindfulness and sensory integration, and a customized plan for parental response to night wakings. Combined with two weeks of ongoing support, your family will be sleeping through the night again!
Also available is the self-paced, video-based online course “I Can Do Bedtime: Sleep Learning for Ages 2.5-4.
