Top 5 Ways to Maintain Healthy Attachment Bonds While Sleep Training Your Baby or Toddler
Healthy attachments are essential to long-term emotional health. Children with healthy attachment styles are able to relate well to others, have self-awareness, and are able to interact with their world appropriately and with independence and confidence. Clearly, healthy attachment is something that all parents want to instill in their children. And we know that healthy attachment is created starting at a birth! Many parents feel concerned that sleep training their child will negatively affect attachment. This doesn’t have to be true; in fact, I argue that correctly implemented sleep training with healthy attachment in mind can actually strengthen attachment bonds! Read on for my top tips for maintaining healthy attachment while sleep training.
1. Don’t Sleep Train a Newborn, and Don’t Do the “Cry It Out” Method
Newborn babies aged 0-3 months shouldn’t be formally sleep trained. Babies this young often need extra soothing to sleep, and need to be fed frequently. Instead, “Sleep Shaping” techniques can get these young babies on the right track to healthy sleep while also providing the soothing and support they need. It is okay to start sleep training any time after 4 months of age. Even after the newborn phase, you may need to continue to feed your baby once or twice a night if they need it.
I would never recommend that your baby or toddler be left alone all night to “Cry It Out”. Cry It Out (CIO) is not supportive of healthy attachment, nor is it necessary. There are many other sleep training methods that are effective and also attachment-friendly; I coach my clients in implementing Check and Console, the Chair Method, Shush/Pat, or Fading Method. These methods allow you to provide some level of support for your baby or child as they learn independent sleep.
2. Focus on Healthy Attachment and Connection During the Day
During the daytime hours when your baby or child is learning and playing is where you are really going to make serious gains with attachment and connection! Here are some tips for making the most of it:
Set aside special time when you are 100% attuned and engaged with your child during play. Follow your child's lead. Make eye contact, laugh, touch. Turn off phones and screens. Just 10-15 minute intervals at a time can really build connection! Involve your baby/child in your daily chores, such as cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, or washing dishes.
When you can’t be engaged with your baby or child, tell them! Also let them know that they will be playing on their own for a little bit and you will be ready to play again soon. For example: “Mom has to take this phone call for a few minutes, you get to play on your own and I’ll play with you again when I am all done!” or “I had so much fun building blocks with you! Now I have to go to the bathroom, so you get to keep playing on your own for a few minutes. When I get back, we will sing some songs together!” Yes, you can even do this with babies. This communication about when it is time to interact, and when it is time to be independent, takes away confusion about your availability and leads to healthy attachment.
Always respond to your baby or child with joy! Light up with excitement when you see them, especially after a period of separation, no matter how short. When your child (or baby) speaks to you, listen intently and show that they matter. And if you are busy and cannot give them the attention they want immediately, let them know that you are busy but will give them your attention shortly.
3. Implement a Soothing, Connection-Based Bedtime Routine
A good bedtime routine has two purposes: First, it allows time for your little one’s brain and body to wind down, relax, and prepare for sleep. Second, it provides a last few minutes of connection before separating for a longer period of time during the night for sleep. Make sure that when you put your baby or child to bed, your demeanor reflects one of calmness and confidence; your little one will mirror this and will be more calm and confident about the bedtime separation, too. Do not linger when saying good night! This eliminates any confusion about if you are staying or going.
4. Right Your Mindset
Getting in the right mindset about attachment is crucial for implementing sleep training effectively! First, always remember that one sign of healthy attachment is that the parent acts as a secure base from which a child can be independent. Remember that you should support your child as they learn to do something new, and listen to their frustrations along the way. A parent’s job is never to take away every bit of discomfort, or rescue a child every time that they are upset. It is healthy for your child to be able to express their emotions, which for babies and toddlers, usually comes in the form of crying.
In addition, know that any form of sleep training will come with some tears. In my experience, many parents are distressed and even triggered when they hear their baby or toddler cry. Often, crying is triggering because the parent themselves learned as a child that crying is bad and that it needs to be stopped. Another reason it can be triggering is that a parent (often mothers) fear that they are harming their baby or being a bad mother if they don’t immediately “rescue” their child when they cry. If this sounds familiar, I encourage you to examine why crying is so triggering for you, and to challenge yourself to just sit and listen first when you hear crying before reacting and running to the rescue. What is your little one really saying with their cries? Are they just expressing emotions, and able to work things out on their own, or do they really need rescuing?
5. Reach Out for Support
If doing all of this own your own ever feels like too much, there is help available! Working with a certified pediatric sleep consultant like Summit Slumber can take the guesswork out of the implementation of the sleep training methods you want to use, as well as provide coaching in the mindset needed to help you along your healthy sleep journey.
