Why Doesn’t My 4 Year Old Want to Sleep in Their Own Bed?
You got a really cool new bed, took your child shopping to choose his or her own sheets, and picked out a really cute nightlight, but your 4 year old STILL doesn’t want to sleep in their own bed! What gives?
After you’ve covered the base of clearly communicating your expectations and boundaries, here are two really simple reasons that some toddlers and big kids just don’t want to stay in their beds at night. And no, its not that they don’t like the new racecar bed, or that they need to pick out a third set of new sheets. Two big reasons a child typically doesn’t want to sleep in their own bed are:
It’s new.
They are having difficulty separating from you.
These two broad reasons really cover most cases of resistance to a child sleeping in their own bed.
So let’s break down each of these two issues, and then hone in on solutions to help you figure out how to start overcoming this problem of your child not wanting to sleep in his or her own bed.
Reason 1: It’s New.
If your toddler has previously been co-sleeping or room sharing, then sleeping in their own bed or bedroom is a pretty new experience! It can take time for a child to adjust to a new sleeping environment, and they need time to adapt to your new expectations. Because it feels so new and different to them, they may resist bedtime and stall or argue with you about going to sleep. They may even come out of their bedroom and try to go into your room.
If this is true for your child, then we want to think about how we can respond so that your child can gradually feel more comfortable with the idea that sleep is now going to happen in this new environment:
Build self-esteem and confidence around independent sleep. Children aren’t likely to try a task that they feel wary of unless they have a big support system cheering them on and providing praise for the things that they are doing well with to boost their self-esteem. So make sure your child knows that you feel like they are totally capable of this new expectation! Talk about all the things they are already doing so well with independently in the home (brushing your own teeth, putting on your own shoes and coat, helping little brother, etc…. I just know you can learn how to sleep in your own bed too!). In addition, be sure to praise any successes your little one has with sleep, no matter how small! Any small improvements should be noticed and named by you (You put your pajamas on all by yourself tonight! You only got out of bed once last night instead of 3 times! You stayed in bed this morning until your green light came on!) Then, celebrate those successes with one of these ideas:
Breakfast Parade: Bang on pots and pans with spoons and spatulas, march around the house, and yell praises for your little one.
Brag Call: video call grandma, a favorite uncle, or other respected adult and share the great news.
Sleep Queen/King Crown: Decorate a beautiful crown for your child to wear around the house, to preschool/daycare, or on outings to show off their new amazing sleep skills.
When children feel confident and self-assured, they are more likely to feel motivated to continue working towards a goal, and also to receive any constructive feedback you give about what they still need to work on.
Return your child to bed when they get up in the middle of the night. If your child is getting out of their bed during the night, returning them to bed (every time!) serves to help them get used to sleeping there and adapt to your new expectations.
Daytime practice. You’ll want your child to learn what it looks like and feels like to lay calmly in their bed so that it’s not feeling so new and different at nighttime. To accomplish this, I recommend using visual supports, such as a social story. You can download mine for free here! You will read the social story, then model the behaviors by getting in your child’s bed and acting out the parts of the social story, then let your child practice.
Download the Sleep Social Story!
Reason 2: Separating is Difficult.
Let’s take a minute and think about what we are really asking at bedtime. We are asking our small children to be okay alone in their bedroom and just lay there quietly alone until they fall asleep. This can be difficult for some children because they may either have some degree of anxiety about separation, or they might just feel sad about you leaving them, or possibly they are feeling scared or worried to be alone in their bedroom.
If you think your child is struggling with separation from you and it is causing fears or anxieties, then you’ll need some strategies for restoring a feeling of calm around the bedtime separation:
Use the bedtime routine as a time for connection. During the bedtime routine, fully attune to your child. Make eye contact, touch and smile, and make it fun and enjoyable. Leave screens and phones completely out of the room. Filling your child’s attention bucket at bedtime allows for easier separation when the lights go out.
Offer opportunities for connection throughout the day. Be sure to be available for at least two 15 minute (or more) play sessions each day. Fully engage, have fun, and let your child take the lead on the activity. Also of importance is responding to your child’s requests for attention throughout the day, and to provide support and engagement whenever they make a bid for it (example: if you’re doing yard work and your child runs up to you and says, “Mom, look at this cool leaf I found!” you will want to stop what you’re doing and engage with him). Ample connection during the day will help your little one be less likely to need more connection from you in the nighttime hours.
Make sure your child has comfort items with him or her at bedtime. A favorite blanket or stuffed animal can go a long ways to provide comfort and safety at bedtime and throughout the night.
Address any fears or worries as they come up, or at least before saying goodnight. Any lingering concerns from the day that are still swirling in your child’s head at bedtime can make it difficult for them to separate from their caregiver. Maybe they are still thinking about how their teacher yelled at them at preschool, or feeling upset when their friend didn’t share a toy. If you are aware of anything bothering your child during the day, be sure to take time to address the issue and let your child talk about his or her feelings at length if they need to. At bedtime, you may ask your child “What was something great that happened today? Was there anything not so great that happened? Do you want to talk about it?” This ensures that your child is getting anything off their chest that they need to in order to feel safe and comfortable.
Institute a child-appropriate gratitude practice. At the end of the bedtime routine, I love asking “What are some of your favorite things that you are going to have great dreams about tonight?” Your child can list some of the wonderful things in their life that make them feel happy. This beginners gratitude practice leads to feelings of positivity, love, and safety before separating from you for the night.
Rely on positive affirmations to help make feelings of safety and love more real for your child. Try having your child repeat “I am safe, I am loved” a few times during the bedtime routine.
If your child has a fear, for example, a fear of monsters, which is very common in toddlers and young children, reassure your child that monsters are not real. They are not real, they are pretend, and you will never, ever, see a monster. Do NOT check for monsters, spray for monsters, or anything like that. These actions convey to your child that monsters in fact, are real.
Return your child to bed when they get up in the middle of the night. Calmly returning your child to bed communicates to them that their bed is indeed a safe to sleep. Include a brief loving phrase with your walk-back, such as “You are safe, you are loved, and it is time for bed.”
Focusing on creating feelings of love, safety, and self-confidence can help make separating from you at bedtime a little bit easier, leading to better sleep throughout the night.
Getting More Support
If you’ve tried these suggestions and your child still doesn’t want to sleep in his or her bed all night, then there may be more factors that need to be addressed in your child’s healthy sleep journey.
You can learn more about improving your child’s sleep in the online course “I Can Do Bedtime”: Sleep Learning for Ages 2.5-4, which focuses on creating healthy sleep through building connection and confidence.
Also available is Summit Slumber’s “I Can Do Bedtime” Package, which includes customized sleep plans, resources, virtual coaching, and unlimited text support for 2 weeks.
